Jokes about “airplane. Fresh jokes about aviation

Pop stuck to the pilot:
- Let's go to my room, drink for a meeting ...
The pilot made excuses, but the priest still persuaded him. They sit and drink.
The pilot is watching - it's already 2 am. Went to the maid and said:
- Girl, I have a flight tomorrow. Wake up at 6 o'clock.
In the morning the maid woke him up. He got up,
put on a cassock, a cross. He walks through the airport past the mirror, looked at himself ...
- Girl, who did you wake up?!

In Europe, flights of Russian aircraft were banned due to a lot of noise.
The management of Aeroflot thought and took measures, banning the sale
vodka on planes.

Airplane skydiving instructor: - The first one went, the second one went, the third one went. We don't forget the parachutes, we don't forget...

- Oh! I forgot to take my parachute!
- Don't come back! Bad sign!

On the plane: - What are you doing? Are you without a parachute? - So what? These are training jumps.

The plane takes off. The stewardess enters the salon: - Dear passengers! We are glad to welcome you on board our airliner! Our plane is piloted by a first-class pilot, an honored master of parachuting...

Dear passengers! Our crew welcomes you aboard our aircraft. For your comfort and safety, the crew commander raises his first toast.

On the plane, a modest young man does not dare to speak to a pretty neighbor. Finally, gathering his strength, he asked: - Excuse me, but are you also flying this plane?

- I wish I had enough money to buy a plane! - Why do you need a plane? - Yes, I don’t need a plane, I would have so much money ...

A girl comes to the health department:
- I want to get a job as a nurse.
- Do you have the appropriate qualifications?
- Still would! I have one brother who is a paraglider, another is a hang glider, and my father is already building a third trike.

In the clinic:
- Well, young man, what are you complaining about?
- You see, doctor, I am... a paraglider...
- Hey, my friend, you are mistaken! I'm a therapist, psychiatrist - next room...

In the aircraft, the passenger to the pilot:
- Just be careful, otherwise I'm on an airplane for the first time.
- Don't worry, me too.

In the middle of the Atlantic, on a rubber inflatable boat, hanging out on ocean waves, miraculously saved after a plane crash, the commander and navigator of the aircraft:
Commander (looking thoughtfully at the navigator): So you say that all you remember from the section “Navigation without compass” is that moss grows on north side trees...?

Imported parachutes are expensive, so parachuting is not developed in China.

***
- Commander, is it true that you used to be a test pilot?
- Is it true.
- And what did you experience?
- Mainly financial difficulties.

***
- Estonian air defense does not believe in the existence of supersonic aircraft.

***
- The longest obscene expression in the world was recorded in the Russian Air Force. Technician Shmyakin cursed exactly 1km 865m, falling out of the plane at the height of the same name

***
- Guys! I shot down a Stealth plane yesterday while hunting.
- Che are you lying?! Stealth is an invisible plane, you can't see it.
- Well, yes! The plane is not visible, but the pilot is visible!

***
Do you want me to teach you how to fly an airplane?
- What are you, we are pilots!
- Well, that's why I offer you!

***
- Attention attention! Dear welcomers, the plane on the Makhachkala - Moscow flight has arrived at Vnukovo Airport!
- Listen, these pilots do not know geography at all! We fly to Moscow for the eighth time, and end up in Vnukovo!

***
- Legend. One very large and proud bird, the Eagle, loved to fly in the sky and did not like to give way. So let's drink to this uncompromising cake ... on board the Il-86 aircraft.

***
- And what excellent roads we have!
- They also stimulate the development of aircraft construction.

***
- Here are the papers and the parachute, the plane is already waiting.
- What if I break?
- For luck!

***
- In connection with the repair of the airport, planes will take off from the station.

***

***
- Thirteen Japanese planes crossed the Moldovan border and were shot down by superstitious air defenses.

***
A joke pilot approaching a small provincial airport at night:
Tower, guess who I am?
The shift supervisor reaches over to the runway lighting control panel and turns off ALL the landing lights.
- First you guess WHERE we are?

***
Long flight to the east. Third flight hour. Early morning. The Sun is rising. The entire crew is half asleep. A flight along the border with China.
Suddenly on the intercom:
- Commander, 5 degrees to the right.
He turns.
And here again:
- 5 more to the right.
The commander finally cheered up and remembered that the border was nearby:
- Navigator, what course?
Headphones:
- And what?
- Course, I ask, what?
- What-what, former!
- And what did they turn up?
- I didn't say turn it up!
Well, like 5, then another 5.
- Yes, I did not say!
- Who said?
- I.
- Who am I?
- Radio operator.
The commander turns around and looks at the radio operator, who, in complete relaxation, spread out on his chair.
- Well, why?
Yes, the sun was right in my eyes. And now it's great!

***
In airplane. The stewardess approaches the commander and says: - In the cabin, a terrorist with a bomb is speculating with parachutes.

***
- Somehow, the international meeting of kamikaze pilots ended unexpectedly.

***
“Hello dear dad. So you have been found, since 10 years ago you left to play in KVN. Mom told me all these years that you are a test pilot. And for me, even a KVN-schik ... "

***
- Commander, is it true that you used to be a test pilot?
- Is it true.
- And what did you experience?
- Mainly financial difficulties.

***
- Here I once jumped with a parachute from an airplane, but it did not open ...
- Parachute?
- Airplane! I smashed my whole forehead against the door!
- Well?!
And then the parachute opened.

An-2 comes in for landing, reports as it should be on the fourth turn, but one phrase is missing in the report, about the release of the landing gear. RP immediately on the air: "Report on the release of the chassis."

Pilot's response: "Chassis released and bolted to 48 in 1956!..."

From the report of the cadet-pilot: The plane went beyond runway, broke through a fence, crashed into a tree, and then lost control.

Pilots are bald and gray-haired. The bald ones are those who fly a lot. And the gray ones are those who fly with the bald ones.

Moscow Sheremetyevo Airport, purchased a biosystem for scaring away birds in the area of ​​takeoff and landing of aircraft, the cost of $ 30 million. The system is maintained by only one operator, and main feature new is that the system is able to automatically convert the operator's obscene expressions into alarm cries various kinds birds.

When I once passed on the rights (and it was the month of January, the thaw - on the site there was almost pure ice covered with water), I saw an amazing picture: a lady from a parallel group at the entrance to the garage managed to work the pedals, the steering wheel and God knows what else drive the car through the normal (provided) entrance without hitting a single landmark. But Across!!

After completing all the paperwork, I observed the attempts of all the instructors, together with the receiving traffic cops, to repeat this maneuver - no one succeeded in 40 minutes.

My father was drafted into the army in 1939. Then in Ryazan region fought with simulators, i.e. all were deemed eligible. Two such victims fell into their unit. One was... well, I don't know... down, or just a man with no memory. He could not remember the insignia or what they were then called, and they wrote him a cheat sheet in which they drew buttonholes, and wrote what rank they corresponded to (epaulettes in the army were introduced only during the war).

Thanks to this cheat sheet, the poor fellow could be on duty. One day an inspector from the division headquarters came to the unit. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), this brake was on duty. He commanded, according to the charter, “Stand at attention,” went up to the authorities and began: “Comrade ...”, then looked into his cheat sheet and, turning his back to the authorities, finished: “At ease. We don't have those." The next day he was commissioned.

I don’t know when it was (I’m telling from the words of my classmate), but it happened at the Fiztekh (Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology), or rather, in one of the buildings of the Fiztekhov hostel. Big holiday (or good occasion?) in one room (about 12 squares total area) 15 people crowded. It was already quite late, the people lay down side by side and suddenly a voice was heard: “Guys, something is stuffy for me. Someone open the window, please!” - "Open yourself!" - “Well, guys, I feel bad, if I get up, I will vomit, it will be worse for you!” A couple more voices are heard: “Indeed, open the window, it’s easier for someone than for us - it’s very stuffy.” In response, of course, indignation is heard: “You need it - you open it” - “Well, we feel so bad, we can’t ...”, etc. The argument continues for some time, until one smart (?) man gropes for a dumbbell lying nearby and throws it in the direction of the window. There is a ringing of glass, everyone immediately feels good, and the peasant is thanked: “You came up with this coolly, and the window - x ... with it, then we’ll figure it out!” The next morning, someone gets up and exclaims in bewilderment: “Guys, did we drink yesterday?” - "Yes!" - "Was it bad?" - "Yes!" - “Dumbbells were launched through the window?” - "Yes!" - “Why is it whole?!” Everyone rises with interest and sees - in the corner of the room there is a TV with a broken kinescope! The story is silent about the rest, but it seems that everyone had fun, except for the owner of that damaged TV ...

In connection with the repair of the airport, planes will take off from the station. - Attention attention! Dear welcomers, the plane on the Makhachkala - Moscow flight has arrived at Vnukovo Airport!
- Listen, these pilots do not know geography at all! We fly to Moscow for the eighth time, and end up in Vnukovo

NASA came up with a cannon that was loaded with chicken carcasses and fired at the windshields of aircraft to test their resistance to bird strikes during takeoff and landing. The charge was calculated so that the speed of the chicken corresponded to the speed of the aircraft during takeoff/landing. The British learned about the tests and set fire to check their high-speed train for the same. NASA sent them a gun.

Tests. Shot. The chicken shatters the high-speed express windshield into fine dust, pierces the dashboard, knocks over the driver's seat and sticks to the back wall of the cab. The British send the test report, along with the chemical composition of the glass and the design of the window, to NASA with a request for explanations and recommendations.

The answer from NASA fit in one line: "Thaw the chicken."

The plane is flying, almost landing, but the landing gear is not being extended. The stewardess prepares the people for landing:

Dear sirs, we have a little problem! Stick your hand into the pocket on the chair in front, find a screwdriver in it, turn out four bolts under your chair, remove the chair, stick your legs into the hatch ... And now we are running together along the lane!

The stewardess on the plane announces:

The plane is overloaded, one passenger needs to jump out, otherwise everyone will be killed ...

It’s always like this, like a mother-in-law is not needed, she is always right there. And as needed, so it is not.

Two pilots of an aircraft rapidly losing altitude look out the window with sadness:

I don’t understand why the sailors are so happy about the approach of the land ...

On the plane, they used to give a modest set - a chicken, a sandwich and a boiled egg. The eggs were blue, almost no one ate them. The flight attendants took everything to their kitchen after eating. Eggs were put on a tray, so that they could be given to the next flight ...

And then the plane comes in to land. The stewardess from behind the curtain in this kitchen broadcasts:

Dear fellow passengers! Our plane will land in the city of Sverdlovsk in a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and...

Then she sees how, due to the tilt, the eggs from the tray begin to roll onto the floor and break, (addressing her partners) everyone yells wildly into the same microphone:

Keep your eggs!!!

The plane is landing in thunderstorm conditions, and one of the passengers, alarmed by the peals of thunder and lightning flashing in the window, cautiously asks the stewardess with doubt in his voice: “Will we definitely land?” To which the stewardess immediately replies: “Passenger, don’t worry so much, of course we’ll sit down. Not a single aircraft remained in the air yet.

A man calls at the station to order a taxi and is indignant:

I booked a taxi to catch my plane on time! You promised, but the car never came!

The attendant apologizes:

It's a pity, but we couldn't find a free car. We will quickly correct our oversight. Don't take it so personally, the plane is unlikely to take off exactly on schedule these days!

This plane will probably not take off on schedule this morning - I'm the pilot!

The crew of a certain aircraft consisted of five men. The duty of one of them (M) was to bring five parachutes into the plane before takeoff. It was far enough to drag the parachutes, and M, it must be said, was no longer a boy and, having made two flights, with two parachutes each, was tired in order and was too lazy to follow the fifth one.

And if you have to jump, then what? crewmates ask.

Well, I'm already old. This is for you young people to live and live. I, so be it, will stay - answered M, fell on the parachutes folded in a heap and fell deeply asleep. In the meantime, the plane arrived where it was supposed to and landed safely.

M was still sound asleep. Then someone from the crew came up with the idea to play a trick on him.

All shouting "Urgent! Let's get off the plane! pushed M away, rushed to put on parachutes and jump into the open hatch. It’s night, you can’t see a damn thing overboard, the engines are roaring (of course they didn’t turn them off).

In short, there is only one parachute left, and the commander (K) and M.

Well, you said it yourself... Farewell! - K said bitterly and took hold of the parachute.

In response, he unexpectedly received swipe a piece of iron that turned up under M's forehead and fell unconscious. In the next moment, M put on a parachute and, spreading his arms wide, jumped flat, as taught, from a height of two meters onto the asphalt of the airfield.

Total: K has a concussion, M has a broken nose, multiple bruises.

Do not serve him anymore in aviation.

This story happened to a certain Captain B., when I was a two-year officer in the SA Air Force.

The specifics of our service forced us to periodically change, hand over, and receive personal service weapons at the armories located at the far end of a huge military airfield.

So, one day this captain B. goes to the warehouses. Since it was too far to cut on foot, he begs a bicycle from some ensign on duty. The path runs through the runway, and it should be noted that the SU-21 fighter-bombers based at this airfield had the funny property of an almost silent landing.

And so, crossing the runway on a bicycle, our captain quite by chance notices a plane coming in for landing 100 meters away. It should also be noted that fighter-bombers, unlike the car, are not equipped with a signal, and the pilot has long been in dialogue with the command post using the expressive means of the mighty Russian language.

The captain pushes hard on the pedals, the trouser leg gets caught in the bike chain, and he falls. On all fours, dragging a bicycle behind him, he tries to get to the edge of the runway, he almost succeeds, and at that moment it is not clear how the pistol that fell out of its holster clings to a bicycle hook with a trigger and fires. The bullet hits the wheel of the plane.

SU-21, having touched the strip, begins to "goat". A young inexperienced pilot in a panic decides to eject, presses the button, but the catapult does not work. The plane blows off the runway onto the lawn, but with some incredible effort the pilot manages to control the controls. He jumps out of a stopped plane and is about to run up to the captain lurking on the edge of the runway and strangle him.

At this moment, a jammed catapult is triggered. The pilot's seat flies off for half a kilometer, gets into the courtyard of a private house and kills a cow.

Due to the fact that our valiant armed forces do not really like to advertise such stories, our hero got off with just a flashlight under his eye, ten days of arrest, a cash bill for a cow and wet pants.

***
Shocking Mongolia Program:
- Yesterday a kite of the Mongolian Air Force crashed. Mongolia no longer has an air force. After this incident, the Minister of Defense shot himself. Now there are no cartridges in Mongolia either.

1. No flight ever leaves on schedule. Except for the time when you yourself are late and you could use the extra time to catch the plane.
2. If you are late for a flight, it will definitely depart from the farthest end of the terminal.
3. If you arrived on the flight too early, it will definitely be delayed for several hours. Or cancel.
4. Not once, at any airport, does your flight depart from counter number one.
5. If you have to work during the flight, there is bound to be a flurry as soon as your pen touches the paper.
6. If you were given a middle seat, you can easily determine who got the seats next to you, at the window and at the aisle, even before boarding: just find the two most complete passengers.
7. Only passengers sitting by the window run endlessly to the toilet.
8. A screaming baby on a plane is bound to be right next to you.
9. The most beautiful woman on your flight is always sitting somewhere else, not next to you.
10. The smaller the compartments for hand luggage V passenger cabin, the more things people drag with them on the plane.

ShRM, B-767 (still "old": CKE or CKD). Not so long ago, the SAB group (Aviation Security Service) was created.

21 gate. Aeromar catering is approaching. The driver below shouts "wires" to open the door for loading power. "Wires" somewhere in the tail. The SAB man, having enjoyed enough, probing (both with his eyes and with his hands) all the grounders entering and leaving the board, was bored. Hearing the driver scream, he decided to help. He rushed to the door and by the handle - to open.

But he didn’t know, naive, that it was necessary to open it when the handle was in the “Manual” position, and not “Automatic”, as it was at that time, they forgot to transfer the “wires” after landing. And when the door is opened with the handle in the "Automatic" position, it is automatically ejected and inflated rescue ladder, which he (trap) did immediately.

And it says more than a ton of weight, if not more. Well, there was no one below, but there was a food machine, on which the ladder fell with a roar, continuing to inflate. How many Russian-English mats were over the airfield. Brigade "Delta" + own, Aeroflot brigade.

Then it turned out that the already unfolded ladder had to be blown off to be transported to some base, and this is Atlanta, the States, there it was checked for damage and then only assembled for installation on an aircraft. And in return for this, they first searched in Frankfurt, but did not find it, only in the same Atlanta. From there, a flight to Moscow, and then installation on this plane. Here it is - the help of an idiot!
NAV

A case from the series, first think - then speak.

A letter flight (I will not name a / c), the management of one very large bank flies. All passengers are Jewish. The flight attendant knows about this, as an acquaintance took place before the flight. In flight, everything was nice, the girl smiled, they didn’t get the pszh, in short, contact was found.

It's time for hot food. (For those who are not in the know: the menu is announced to passengers and the b / pr takes the order, usually writing it down in a notebook so as not to forget, and then serving hot according to this list). So, the young lady took the order and began to take out the plates. She enters the salon with a plate, and then another one appears, who came from the tail of the PSG and asks her, where, they say, is my hot?
To which the resourceful girl answers, looking into the notebook:

And you are not on the list!
- On what list? Perplexed psg
- And on Schindler's list.

Without hesitation, the stewardess answers and, with childish spontaneity, is perplexed in the kitchen why a dumb pause has formed in the cabin

There are many different competitions, prizes and awards in the world. There is also the so-called Darwin Prize, which is awarded annually to the person who has made the greatest contribution to the treasury of human stupidity - the person who put his life in mortal danger in the most unusual and, frankly, stupid way.

Meet 1997 winner Larry Waters of Los Angeles, one of the few surviving Darwin Award winners.

As a child, Larry dreamed of flying. After graduating from high school, he joined the US Air Force with the hope of becoming a pilot. But he was not lucky - due to poor eyesight, he was disqualified. After the dismissal from the service, the guy had to be content with only contemplation jet aircraft flying over his house...

But then one day a "brilliant" idea dawned on Larry's head. He decided to fly a little. I went to a local store selling decommissioned Navy equipment and bought 45 meteorological balloons there, each of which, when fully filled, is more than a meter in diameter, and several containers of helium. Back at home, Larry tied the balloons securely to a large garden chair, then attached the chair to the bumper of his jeep and filled the balloons with helium. While the structure was at a height of about a meter above the ground, he tested it by climbing astride a chair. Satisfied with the work done and making sure that his device was working, Larry took with him several sandwiches and half a block of cigarettes, and also grabbed a shotgun, believing that when the time came to descend, he would break through several balls with them.

Sitting on an air seat, the unlucky pilot tied himself, and at the same time his shotgun and provisions. Larry's plans were to unhook the "anchor" and slowly rise above his house to a height of ten meters. And there, after a couple of hours, it was possible to return back to the ground. But everything turned out differently. As the saying goes, man proposes and God disposes.

When Larry cut the rope that attached the garden chair to the jeep, there was no slow soaring to the intended height of ten meters. It was different: he soared into the sky of Los Angeles like a cannon. He failed to slow down the ball either at a height of 10 meters or at a height of 100 meters. Climbing higher and higher, the "pilot" reached almost three and a half kilometers. At this altitude, for fear of losing the balance of the load and getting into a difficult situation, he did not dare to shoot through any of the balls. And so, stiff with cold and terrified, he was there, drifting for more than 14 hours. And soon Larry really got into trouble.

It turned out that he was carried by the wind into the main approach area of ​​​​the Los Angeles international airport. There's a newcomer aircraft the first was discovered by an American pilot flying by. He contacted the airport tower and reported that he saw some guy with a gun floating in the air on a garden chair. Can you imagine the reaction of airport workers!?

But the radar confirmed the presence in the airspace of some object hovering at an altitude of 3.5 kilometers above the airport. The emergency services of the airport were urgently alerted, and a helicopter was sent to clarify the circumstances.
Los Angeles Airport is located near the ocean.

Night was already descending on the earth and a sea breeze began to blow from the land towards the ocean. He carried Larry towards the sea. The helicopter chased after him. A few miles from the coast, the helicopter managed to catch up with Larry. As soon as the crew was convinced that the guy was not dangerous (a man with a gun after all!), the pilots tried to get closer to save him, but as soon as the helicopter came close to Larry, the air currents from the blades of the car each time pushed him further and further. In the end, the helicopter rose to a height of about a hundred meters above the unfortunate pilot and lowered the rescue ladder. Larry picked it up, and thus he was towed back to the shore. The helicopter crew skillfully performed the most difficult operation.

As soon as Lari was on the ground, he was immediately arrested by the police officers waiting for him for violating airspace over the Los Angeles airport. As he was being led away, handcuffed, one of the journalists sent to cover the daring rescue operation jumped up.
He asked the guy: "For the sake of what did you start this?"
Lari stopped, turned around and nonchalantly replied: “A person cannot sit idly by in one place.

Oh, if only I had enough money to buy a plane!
- Why do you need a plane?

Oh, if only I had enough money to buy a plane! . .
- Why do you need a plane?
- I don't need a plane. I wish I had that much money...

A big plane crashes.
One passenger says:
- It's necessary to contrive so - to recruit a full plane of losers.

The plane from Australia crashed. Irochka, declare it somehow softer.
- Citizens meeting the plane from Australia - go home.

The plane takes off. The stewardess enters the cabin:
- Dear passengers! Welcome to Vnukovo Airlines! Our plane is piloted by a first-class pilot, an honored master of parachuting...

They ask the oligarch:
- Where did you earn your first million?
- On Far North: Loaded a plane full of snow and sold it to an African country.
- Did you sell the snow?
- Why snow, plane.

So you just decided to hijack the plane?
- Yes.
- Have you thought about going to a psychologist?
- Thought.
- And what?
- I decided that hijacking a plane was more fun.

A plane is flying, suddenly something breaks in it. Starts to fall. Here one passenger is called:
- Give it, give it, I'll do it!
The pilots understand that it will not get worse, and they allow it. The passenger with all the dope hits the instrument panel, and the plane hangs in the air. Slowly repairs, then hits the instrument panel again, the plane continues its flight and lands safely. On earth, a peasant is rewarded, they ask:
- Are you a psychic?
- What are you, I'm an elevator operator ...

The plane crashes over the ocean. The commander, asks the stewardess to at least somehow reassure the passengers. She enters the salon and says:
- Our plane is participating in the experiment - we will now fall into the water, and then quickly fly away ...
Catastrophe. Two pop up, and bewildered:
- Well, everyone flew away, but we stayed.

The store "Old Man Hottabych" offers its customers a flying carpet.
It looks like an ordinary carpet, stands - like an ordinary plane.

The plane "Moscow-Katmandu" is flying. The stewardess announces: - Our plane arrives in the capital of Nepal, Kathmandu. Here, half of the inhabitants are ill with tuberculosis, half with syphilis. In the back seat, two tourists are talking:
- What does she say there?
- She says that here it is necessary to fuck those who cough!

The plane over Moscow is in distress.
“We need to take the plane away from the city! Save people!”, the pilots decide.
- Maybe here?
- No, what are you! There is a large shopping mall! Many people!
- Maybe in the woods?
- What you! It's mushroom time now! There are a lot of innocent mushroom pickers! Sorry people!
- Or maybe ... (the crew bent over the map)
- Exactly! RUBLEVKA!!

An airplane is also a bird. Only bald.

A little boy hijacked a plane...
Now no one lives in the skyscraper.

At a reception at the American embassy, ​​the US ambassador boasted that, they say, they have a sorcerer in the state of Alabama - he raises the dead.
V. M. Molotov, who was present at the reception, calmly noted that in the USSR there is a wonderful athlete who runs ahead of the plane.
N. S. Khrushchev, having heard about this fact, summoned Molotov to him.
- What are you talking about, Mikhalych? But how - they will demand to present a miracle athlete?
- We first demand that they present their necromancer.
- And if they show it?
- We will demand verification, let him raise ... Stalin, for example.
- Well, how will it rise?
- Then you, Nikitka, not like a plane - you will overtake a rocket!

My friend has a flying carpet. Already three girls have flown on it.

Kazakh scientists have created a new stealth aircraft. One drawback - one wing is visible.

A geographic magazine photographer is tasked with shooting a large forest fire from the air. In the morning, having reached the airfield, he sees how runway the plane stands and warms up the engines. Very eager to get started, the photographer jumps in with all his cameras and shouts to the pilot:
- Forward, forward, fly!
The pilot accelerates the plane and they take off.
- Fly to the north side of the fire and make three or four passes at low altitude.
- For what? he asks.
“Because I need to take pictures!” I am a photographer and all photographers take pictures!
After a long pause, the pilot says:
“Are you saying that you are not a flight instructor?!

Keep the eggs!

Said a former flight attendant.

On the plane, they used to give a modest set - a chicken, a sandwich and a boiled egg. The eggs were blue, almost no one ate them. The flight attendants took everything to their kitchen after eating. The eggs were put on a tray, so that they could give them to the next flight ...

And then the plane comes in to land. The stewardess from behind the curtain in this kitchen broadcasts:
- Dear fellow passengers! Our plane will land in the city of Sverdlovsk in a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and...
Then she sees how, due to the tilt, the eggs from the tray begin to roll onto the floor and break, (addressing her partners) everyone yells wildly into the same microphone:
- Keep the eggs!

Sarah decided to hijack the plane. She squeezed into the cockpit and shouted:
- To Tel Aviv! Or I'll undress!

Another emergency in the air!
During an official visit to Russia, representatives of the Hamaz organization, which won elections in Palestine, hijacked the plane out of habit.

The plane takes off. The pilot asks the navigator:
- Did you take the cards?
- How about three decks.
- Idiot! Again, you will have to fly over a pack of "Belomor".

From the chronicle of incidents: today, near Tallinn, a two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery. On this moment rescuers found 750 bodies, the search continues.

Hearing applause in the cabin after the landing of the airliner, the flattered crew commander raised the plane into the sky and performed several aerobatics.

Disaster - the plane crashed into the sea. Spitting, two pilots emerge.
One:
- I told you not to fill the autopilot, but you are a tradition, a tradition! ...

I work in a toy store. I often hang out with dads who come with their daughters. Sometimes a daughter wants a doll, and dad insistently assures the child that she needs a plane :)

Urgent news!
At the airport, the terrorists hijacked a plane with a hundred Duma deputies on board. They want a billion dollars. If it is not executed, they threaten to release a deputy every hour.

The crew of a foreign airline and rescuers were shocked when, after emergency landing Russian tourists specially climbed back into the plane to ride from the inflatable slide for the second time!

The passenger plane flips over and flies upside down.
Stewardess: "Calm down, now the pilot will put drops in his nose,
Let's fly as usual!"

Librarian, librarian, is there a librarian on board?
- Yes, I'm a librarian, what happened?
- The plane flies to the Seychelles, where did you come from?!

When boarding the plane, the passenger turns to the stewardess:
- Where are your vomit bags?
Surprised stewardess:
- We haven't taken off yet, but you're already sick?!
- Look at my neighbor!

I was in the city: I saw the TV, I saw the plane ...
- Did you smoke filter cigarettes?
- Aha!!
- So how is it?
- You smoke the filter, and then, as a prima ...

The plane took off. The skydiving instructor walks past those preparing to jump, shakes everyone by the parachute straps and asks the last one:
- Eggs do not rub?
The parachutist answers him:
- No!
- The name of?
- Natasha

We flew by flight Kaliningrad - St. Petersburg. We flew over Estonia and are already soaring over the Leningrad region. There was a slight turbulence and the plane shook a little. - They entered Russia ... - someone in the cabin said clearly

Why did you send your wife by plane? The train is much cheaper.
- Not for my wife. She manages to spend so much money at every station that a plane ticket will cost me almost nothing.

Police passenger before boarding the plane, strictly:
- Citizen, come back - it is forbidden to carry dogs in the passenger cabin!
- So she's plush!
- I'll tell you again - no! And breed doesn't matter.

Dear passengers! Our flight is coming to an end, and the autopilot refuses to land the plane. If there are judges and prosecutors among you, let them urgently deal with this case and put us all in jail.

Dad, how long does it take to fly to America?
- Twenty minutes, son.
Mom from the kitchen
- He asks you about the plane, and not about your Poplars!

The plane is falling. Stewardess navigator:
- Reassure the passengers...
- Tov. passengers! We have an experimental flight
now we will dive into the sea, and then we will fly further. .
Blow, the wreckage of the plane and two inhabitants of Odessa are floating:
- Zhora! I didn’t understand this joke, did they fly away without us? …

A plane crashed in the Amazon jungle. Savages crowded around the pilot. The pilot says to the leader:
- I flew on an iron bird ... The bird became ill, it crashed and died ... But I survived ...
Leader (terribly):
- If you are a pilot, why are you talking like a fool!?

Some of the most courageous and courageous people celebrate their professional holiday on the twelfth of August. The members of the Russian Air Force are very courageous and courageous people who risk their lives for us. But we very often forget about them or do not even know about the existence of such a holiday. To do this, we recommend that you, on the eve of the twelfth of August, publish on your page a status dedicated to the day of the Russian Air Force. Let all your friends know about it beautiful day. You can find such statuses on our page, which specializes exclusively in statuses, dedicated to the day Russian Air Force. Congratulate your friends or relatives who are related to this area by sending them a congratulatory status.

***

Congratulations on your professional holiday, we wish you to spend Air Force Day with your family, have a good rest and gain strength for future flights, good visibility and soft landings.

Rule to follow in life: Never argue with the person who packs your parachute.

Flying by plane would be perfectly safe if there were no land.

The parachute has performed an illegal operation and will be closed.

If the first time you did not succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

Furiously attack your plane flies, Brave pilot rushes forward. You are the pride of the country, our support. May your wishes come true soon.

Ah, the air force! Your service is not easy! In the sky, even a royal bird cannot be compared with you!

The Russian Air Force still has no equal in terms of the number of pieces of equipment and the power of the air shield, we wish you love and happiness, defend our homeland, happy holidays!

Happy Air Force Day, this day is a holiday of exceptionally courageous and strong-willed people! Which practically live in the sky! We want to express our gratitude and wish you good health, happiness in your personal life, and of course love! Happy Holidays!

Imported parachutes are expensive, so parachuting is not developed in China.

What's the difference between an airplane and a toilet? They get on the plane to fly, and they fly to the toilet to sit down.

Be faithful to your profession and always be proud, as long as planes fly, they can’t do without you!

On Air Force Day, we deservedly honor the Winged Warriors of our native land! You are proudly circling in the sky like birds, And the enemy does not step into our expanses!

We really want to congratulate you! Happy Air Force Fleet Day! On this day, take a walk on earth, this is Our congratulations to YOU!

Why are there so few female pilots? - Very afraid to fly.

Airplane skydiving instructor: - The first one went, the second one went, the third one went. We don't forget the parachutes, we don't forget...

One pilot says to another: tell the skydivers to stop jumping. We haven't taken off yet.

So that courage, honor, flow through your veins. Vivat, Air Force!

For the pilot air fleet Like a second home. Among the clouds, other latitudes He soars above the earth.

It is never easy to be a military man in everything: You must always remember your duty!

And most importantly, we give a lifetime warranty on our parachutes...

You - a cloudless sky, so that there are no problems with landing, and so that all your wishes come true without delay!

For a pilot, the air fleet is like a second home. Among the clouds, other latitudes, he soars above the earth.

Thank you for the clear sky, Thank you for the radiant sun. Thank you for a peaceful life. For your worthy service.

Let heaven be the best place on the ground.

A woman is like a parachute - she can fail at any moment, so you should always have a spare!

We congratulate the Air Force, you are glory, pride for the Fatherland, may the sun shine on you from heaven, giving warmth and joy of life!

Somehow, the international gathering of kamikaze pilots ended unexpectedly.

Estonian air defense does not believe in the existence of supersonic aircraft.

Sell ​​parachute. Almost new, only used once, never opened.

The absence of complaints about the quality of parachutes does not mean at all that they are all made flawlessly.

Ah, the air force! Your service is not easy!!! In the sky, even a royal bird cannot be compared with you!

The Air Force is the backbone and pride of the country, always on the defense of Russia, faithful to the oath and duty.

The plane is flying, almost landing, but the landing gear is not being extended. The stewardess prepares the people for landing:
- Dear sirs, we have a small problem! Stick your hand into the pocket on the chair in front, find a screwdriver in it, turn out four bolts under your chair, remove the chair, stick your legs into the hatch ... And now we run together along the lane.
***
The plane lands in complete fog, the commander steers with difficulty, the navigator insures ...
- Navigator, is there land?
- You can't see the ground!
In a minute.
- Navigator, is there land?
- No land!
After 10 sec.
- Navigator, is there land?
- Full mouth, mlyn!
***
Passenger liner takes off. At the moment of taking off from the ground, something very loudly booms behind. The whole crew is in shock, they send the co-pilot to look what happened. After some time, he returns:
- Guys! Everything is in order. It's the tanker disconnected.
***
The plane is flying. Speakerphone Pilot:
- Dear ladies and gentlemen, the commander of the ship welcomes you. Listen to information about our flight. Our flight takes place at an altitude of 10 thousand meters at a speed of 900 kilometers per hour, the temperature is overboard ... FUCK ... A-A-A-A! .. WHAT IS THIS? .. WELL, FUCKING ...
There is deathly silence in the cabin.
A minute later, again on the radio:
- I apologize to distinguished passengers. It's just that our flight attendant spilled hot coffee on me. If you could see my white trousers in front now...
Man in the front row:
- Your pants, it's all garbage! You should have seen my pants in the back...
***
On the plane, a man enters the cockpit and demands to change course under the threat of an explosion. The pilot connects to the dispatcher:
- Board 817, we have an attack, they demand to change course
Dispatcher:
- Now let's check... So, exactly, according to the customs declaration, 93 kilograms of TNT were carried on your plane. Even then we thought, what for them so much?
***
An old pilot is asked:
- Petrovich, you are 65, blind, deaf, how do you fly?
- Yes, what is there, my wife brings me to work, and there the navigator meets, and took his arm and led the medical control to pass, well, they flew ...
- Like this? What about takeoff? It's difficult! Still, IL-62 ...
- Yes, what is there, gave him gas, he takes off himself.
- Well, MOSCOW-KHABAROVSK is the same hell knows where ...
- And what is the navigator for? He tells me "Petrovich - to the right", "Petrovich - to the left", we fly, in short.
- Well, what about landing?
- Almost all automation, of course, at the final stage I take the helm in my hands and wait for the co-pilot to say: "Now this blind P$ZDA will kill us!" Here I smoothly get the steering wheel on myself and sit down ...
***
A transporter is flying with a very important cargo, he is accompanied by a couple of fighters. Well, the flight is not close. Fighter pilots started talking, arguing who is cooler. FAC is sick of it, goes on air

FAC: Hey, woodpeckers, you’re really cool here, but right now, on my heavy transport yalde, I’ll do such a thing that both of you can only dream of.
I: Wait and see.
10 minutes pass
I: Well, where?
KVS: That's all.
I: I don't understand you. And what was that?
FAC: And I went to the sartir and smoked :))))))))))
***
There was such an An-12 in our transport aviation with tail number 11111. They called it "Indian happiness" or "Five sticks". And the trucks almost always had to negotiate on their own about services (including spending the night in dispensaries). And the guys flew with jokes throughout the union, until they ran into a touchy dispatcher who misunderstood the question: "Will you take five sticks for the night?" From then until the write-off, only: "Eleven one hundred and eleven."
***
By noon, a bunch of planes had accumulated on the ground, waiting for permission to take off.
P: "Tower, this is Alitalia-1234, do you have good news for us?"
D: "Yes. It's my birthday soon..."
***
Stuttgart airport.
D: "Lufthansa 5680, slow down to 170 knots"
P: "Well, just like in Frankfurt. There is also one of two - either 210 or 170 ... But it's okay, we are flexible people"
D: "So are we. Reduce your speed to 173 knots..."
***
A United Airlines Boeing 747 pilot tries to joke with an air traffic controller in Sydney, Australia.
P: " Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we are 50 miles away and we can see your island..."
D: "Understood, United... allow me to fly around the island twice, after which you can land"
***
Dispatcher - American pilot:
- Descend to 6,000 feet, air pressure at airport level 1011 millibars.
- Could you convert to inches of mercury?
- Okay, go down to 72 thousand inches of mercury, pressure 1011 millibars ...
***
A civilian plane chartered by the Department of Defense is waiting in line to take off.
D: "Aircraft XXX, name your destination"
P: "This is classified information"
Pause.
D: "Board XXX, keep waiting for your turn"
P: "Uh... how long to wait?"
D: "That's classified information..."
***
over Germany.
D - to the plane of the Italian airline: "Alitalia XXX, answer the dispatcher"
Silence.
D: "Alitalia XXX, answer the dispatcher"
Silence.
D: "Alitalia XXX?"
Anonymous pilot with a German accent: "They seem to be having a spontaneous strike there"
***
Over England.
D: "Air France 123, switch to the ground controller frequency and good luck in today's football match between France and England"
Anonymous English pilot of another plane: "DON'T UNDERSTAND, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"
D: "And then! I'm Irish"
***
D: "KLM, continue your descent towards runway, you are fourth in line, third in front of you"
KLM: "Where else would he be?"
***
P: "Tower, approximately how long does it take to take off?"
D (annoyed): "Yes, you don't have to wait at all, I allow takeoff"
P: "Takeoff?! Yes, there are nine aircraft in front of me!"
D: "Well, finally it came to the idiot, and stop wasting my time already!"
The dispatcher was quite rightly suspended for 30 days.
***
D: "737, do you see an airbus ahead of you?"
737: "That's right, we see"
Airbus pilot, joking: "Tower, correction: you wanted to say "beautiful airbus ahead of you."
D: "737, follow a beautiful airbus to runway one-eight"
737: "Uh... um... well, let's follow this scary bus to lane one-eight..."
***
A transport plane, chartered to transport a rare species of bustard (a small bird the size of a partridge) to Ireland, is being loaded. In addition to cages with birds, a Land Rover off-road vehicle is also loaded on board.
P: "We are loading the bustard and the Land Rover, over."
D: "Uh... did I understand you correctly? Are you a Land Rover loaded with firewood??
***
A female pilot, in one breath, without commas: "The tower is ready for takeoff!"
D: I hope not...
***
Two British fighters fly side by side. The pilot of one fighter - the pilot of another:
"Look, I'm following a contrail?"
- Not at all.
- So, buddy, you're on fire...
***
The pilot of the Italian Alitalia, breaking through the interference:
- This is Italy 1234, requesting permission to change flight levels.
- Uh... genitals 1234, take flight 230.
- Oh my God, sir! We are "Alitalia", A, EL, I, TE, A, EL, I, I!!
***
An inexperienced dispatcher to the pilot of the Casa-212 (a small twin-engine aircraft with fixed landing gear):
- Attention board XXX, you have the landing gear in the extended position!
- Thank you very much, sir! They've been in this position since 1986...
***
Dubai. "Fingered" pilot of an American Airbus on the runway:
- The tower, says board XXX, I have all four (engines) of the rod and ignite, ready to come off!
He is answered by the pilot of the next aircraft in line to take off:
- I never liked to say this, buddy, but it looks like you have all five rods and light. Your auxiliary power unit is on fire...
***
D. board **, report the position
n. **, near Rumšiškės.
D. board **, I don’t see you, check the position
P. **, Above zhezhmaris. (this is 20 kilometers ago)
D. but you were over it 15 minutes ago, check your position
P. (inaudible)
D. board **, did not understand, repeat
P. Yes, I don’t know, leave me alone!
D. understood you, continue navigation, inform about the approach...
***
There are 3 boards in a chain along the route. Near one of the points overtakes a thunderstorm. On the first board there is an instructor, on the rest - only students.
D. board **, further along the route there is a thunderstorm, your decision?
P1. I'm going to my destination, I'll make it.
D. understood you.
P1 ( next board) - LMC, this is LMB, follow me, snuggle up tight.
P2 LMB, I understand you. Tower, LMC is asking for landing instructions.
P1. -P2 what landing! Follow me!
p2. I understand you, I follow you. Tower, lmc at starboard base, requesting clearance to land
D. LMC, (landing instructions), landing cleared
P1. Oh, to hell with you cowards!!!
***
May 9, 22:00, fireworks in Moscow, a Lufthansa board flies past over the city:
P: -Moscow, I'm Lufthansa 1234
D: -I received you, Lufthansa.
P: Is there some kind of holiday in the city?
D: yes
P: What is it?
D: Victory Day!
P: uh uh .. understandable ....
***
-- Uv. Passengers, crew welcome you aboard XXX Airline UUU. Our new modern aircraft meets the increased requirements of comfort and safety. On the lower deck there are several small pools, a bowling alley, two restaurants with Chinese and Russian cuisine, a shooting range and a casino. On the middle deck you can visit the cinema hall, get acquainted with the gallery of graphic works by Savely Kurochkin, as well as see some exhibits from best museums aviation of the world.

Finally, on upper deck you are offered the opportunity to retire to the greenhouse, use a small library or admire the views from observation deck.
Ladies and gentlemen, please bring your seat backs to an upright position, fasten your seat belts. The commander of the ship, pilot 1 class. Vasily Pupeinik will try to lift all this garbage into the air.