Examples of short story illustrations are instructive. Unusual instructive stories with deep meaning. Short life stories from social networks

As a child, I loved to lean on the lid of the secretary. My mother scolded me very much for this, because on top of the secretary was a beautiful tea set brought by my grandmother from Ashgabat. And then one day, while doing my homework, I once again leaned on my elbows. There was a terrible roar. Grandmother flew in, saw a broken service, grabbed me in an armful and ran out into the street. And only at the bottom she came to her senses that she was in Leningrad, and there was no earthquake here. Oh, and it hit me then! And in the evening, my mother added ...

I am a very calm person who rarely raises his voice. But there's one way that makes me scream - mirrors in indoors from which there is no way out. My boyfriend decided to somehow play a trick on me, to make sure that I can raise my voice. One fine morning I woke up in a locked room with a dozen fairly large mirrors. He found me two hours later under the table in hysterics, the nightmares did not leave for several more months. The guy is no more.

I work in a movie theater for two. Usually loving couples come. romance, movies, tasty food, wine, kisses ... But how enrage those who cross the line of kisses and translate the matter into a horizontal plane. There is a camera, there is an announcement at the entrance, and so we tell the guests, but it’s a pity that not everyone gets it.

My husband and I decided to take a serious step - to adopt a child. The daughter of our distant relatives, the fire in the house, only she escaped. Immediately she was silent all the time, then she began to speak occasionally. But two years later it did not move forward. I dreamed that we would replace her family, but she is still cold. I don't blame anyone, but this is so bittersweet.

I recently cheated on my husband because he is a fucking workaholic, and we had our last sex a year and a half ago. I love him so much, but I couldn't resist. I went to the city to a friend, went to a club and slept with a guy whose name I don’t even know. He fucked my soul out of me, and I returned home happy, to which my husband offered to visit her more often. On the one hand, she finally felt herself a desirable girl, and on the other hand, cats scratched her heart.

Grandma and grandpa met in the park when grandma, headlong, ran home, covering herself with her hands from pouring rain. She accidentally bumped into him, knocking him off his feet. Mom and dad found out about each other at the school disco when mom accidentally bumped into dad, knocking him to the floor, falling on top of him to the tune of "slow" to the tune. And I found my love in the garbage, when, without looking, I threw a bag of garbage into a barrel, and accidentally hit a guy, knocking him down and dropping him right into the trash. But found.

A year and a half ago I was hit by a car. As a result, a spinal injury, a wheelchair. My husband supported me as best he could, blowing dust particles away. Recently, doctors said that it is possible to undergo surgery, the chance is 50/50 that I will be able to walk again, but the condition may worsen. My husband, with tears in his eyes, begged me not to risk it, he would take care of me. I really started to fear intervention. And then my tablet broke, I took my husband’s laptop and found a bunch of disabled porn there. I will be operated on soon.

I have a strange mania for making up dialogues for various pieces of furniture. So I was sitting in line at the clinic, a woman pulls the handle of the office, the door is closed, and I immediately imagine a dialogue between two doors: - Oh, what are you pulling, tear off! Can't you see? Closed! No, did you see? She pulls here! Give me more polish on the handle erase! - Mdaa, here people go! They kick, they clap. Mom told me, go to paper ...

I often choose music for performances. This is a laborious process, you can sit for several days and listen-listen-listen until the notes that catch you slip through a bunch of music that starts to seem the same. And how many incredible melodies found along the way are now in my piggy bank and are waiting in the wings! I want to have the opportunity to show all the images that this music draws.

I have a tooth scar on my tongue. According to my parents, when I was two years old, I was sitting on a chair, and my older brother pushed him, I fell, hit my head on the battery and bit my tongue. Parents thought that it would grow together, so they did not sew it up. As a child, a friend called this scar a pocket, since a piece of skin can be pushed back with your teeth and you can see the indentation. Priceless is the expression on the face of the people to whom I tell this story and, in conclusion, show my tongue!

My grandmother is 84. She has beautiful makeup, hair, dress and high heels. She has a husband who is 17 years younger, who loves her to the point of madness. She runs in the morning on the balcony on the treadmill, cooks awesome, sings great and sews amazing clothes to order. And I just want to be like her, at least at 70 years old, and not like at 80 and a half!

No matter how much I get to know people, every time with amazing skill I manage to spoil the attitude towards myself. Because... Apparently, I do not understand the personal facet of each person. A careless action or a word - the relationship becomes strained, and they themselves are already like strangers. I don't even know how many times I've seen this in my life. People with whom, it seemed, he could communicate about anything and constantly, now barely exchange a couple of phrases ...

They put a heart defect, we have to fly for an operation. And then a friend says that it is expensive to deliver the body, and many people bring ashes back in urns. The positive disappeared, I saw how my husband was looking for the delivery of the body. She said how she spat ... I feel sorry for my loved ones - they are worried, and I myself became scared. We are realists, but here it is hard and scary.

In life, I am a gray mouse. But after sex I become prettier. The eyes shine, the lips become slightly plump and bright, the skin turns beautifully pale, the cheeks are pink. I even learned how to use it: if I had to attend an event, I made love before it, it helped more than makeup. I did not take into account only one thing, that this feature was noticed not only by me, but also by my beloved husband. My ex-beloved husband, who burned me beautiful after work.

I moved into the apartment where my friends had lived before. From their stories: they fucked on the table and made as much noise as possible, for which all the neighbors hated them. On the first evening at about 10, I decided to move the closet a little. Five minutes later, all the grandmothers of the world leaned out, shouting that I was a whore and arranging orgies, another half an hour later two policemen arrived. When they saw me in pajamas and my cat, who had crap himself from knocking on the door, they apologized for a long time, and then for another half an hour they reprimanded the neighbors on the stairs.

I never liked visiting my grandmother. They came once a year with the whole family for a couple of days, and the trash began. A booze with moonshine and a massacre, in which my grandmother and her sons participated, and after that she tried to enlighten the 7-9-year-old me about sex in all the vile details. In another argument, when she pulled up her skirt and showed me where to go, I found out that she did not wear underwear either. It’s a pity that I didn’t recognize another grandmother - she died when I was a year old (

Recently I came across a series about Katya Pushkareva. My God, then her image seemed terrible, and today she is downright in the trend, but everyone who was in style looks like a klucker. What a strange thing - fashion!

When the war began, my grandfather went to the front, and my grandmother and her four-year-old daughter left for evacuation. We lived hard, there was not enough food, my daughter was very sick. Grandmother was a beauty, and an officer in a high rank looked after her, brought stew, butter, chocolate. And she gave in. girl on good nutrition recovered quickly. When my grandfather returned from the war, my grandmother immediately confessed to him. He smoked, paused and said: "Thank you for saving my daughter." They lived 55 years together, and he never reproached her with a word.

I can't stand cash coins. Seeing them immediately makes me sick. As a child, there was a habit - to collect a change around the house and stuff it into your mouth. Years have passed, the habit has gone, but only now I understand that it was disgusting.

I hate this spring, because it's impossible to keep your eyes down on your phone! You get into the minibus after the street, bend over the phone, and the snot flows down so treacherously ...

For a long time in the office I picked out huge boogers and sculpted them at the table. I kept thinking that I would take it off. While I was on vacation, we moved to another office, the boss sat there. It's embarrassing to go back to work

As a child, I was afraid of old people because it seemed to me that they would steal my youth in order to prolong their lives. And because I was a sweet child, they often took me on their knees in crowded vehicles. Moments of horror.

My husband works in an agricultural company - he plows the fields and carries the crops. He drives a tractor at work, and when we get bored at home, he asks: "How much is 150 + 150?" I say: "300", - and I go to suck the tractor driver)

Before each flight, of which there are not so many, I put a status from the series "life is so short" or I make a post with the song "If I die young". If suddenly I die in a plane crash, then everyone will go to my page and think that I had a premonition of my death. I suffer from aerophobia.

From childhood, my father beat me and tormented me mentally until I left home. Now I live abroad and we communicate occasionally in the messenger. Somehow, telling him a story, she cursed. Dad took out the whole brain that I do not respect him, because "I cursed in front of him." And that if I continue to swear, he will stop communicating with me. And I really thought about the fact that I do not respect him and that if he stops communicating with me, I will not be very upset.

Recently I heard from friends who have a month-old child that, they say, it's time to baptize the child. She casually asked if they had read the Bible (no); do they even know "Our Father" (also not); What time was Jesus baptized and was he baptized at all? The last question drove them to a dead end. Then I asked why to baptize such a crumb. The answer was ingenious: "Well, wow, we're kind of Orthodox..." Orthodox, who didn't even hold the Bible in their hands, but wear a cross as an ornament. Infuriates!

Grandma always scolds me when she sees HOW I peel potatoes. He says that during the war, my cleanings could feed the whole village.

She was returning home from the store. The five-year-old daughter ran into the elevator, I drag the bags behind. And then someone calls the elevator, I do not have time. The doors close and I hear my daughter's scream as she rides upstairs. I drop my bags, rush around the floors, trying to figure out where the scream is coming from. She ran to the seventh. You should have seen the face of the man who was waiting for the elevator. When the doors opened, there was a little crying angry girl in front of him, who ran into him, yelling at the bass of a healthy man: "Where is my mother?! Answer!"

I define men by their ass. Rounded chubby asses or loose hips, more like a woman's - most likely, he is lazy, and he may also be cunning or a sissy. How many times did it match!

I started dating a 19-year-old girl who smokes, drinks and doesn't mind earning extra money for blowjobs. He wanted to put her on the right path, moved in with her, got a better paying job to support her and her mother. As a result, for three years he almost drank himself, and twice they wanted to plant him. Dropped and left. Fuck this charity. Occasionally we talk as friends. I don't regret what I did, and I'm not going to repeat it. I don't drink at all, I'm 27.

funny short stories

It was in the late 80s. Even then I stuck around mainly in the states, but periodically came to my homeland. And then one day my wife forced me to go to Kaluga to my mother-in-law. And upon arrival at home, she wakes up with primitive instincts such as going into the forest for mushrooms, strawberries, nuts and other nonsense. Well, one day I, she and father-in-law went to the forest. But in the states, as you know, picking mushrooms is, to put it mildly, unpopular, and I didn’t understand anything about them. Well, I wandered, wandered through the forest, collected some russula and as a result got lost, lost. At first I tried to go north, then east, then to the sound of the train, but still I could not get out. Everything, I think, hit, I decided to go along the stream in the hope that it would lead to the Oka. I found a stream, I go to myself, I auk. And then I go out to the clearing, in the clearing there is a hut, a black man sits in the hut and looks at me with interest. Well, I think, really went to the Atlantic. Then a sleepy black woman crawls out of the hut - and also looks with interest at my fallen jaw. I try to speak to them in English - then the blacks' jaw drops. They look at me in fear, and the Negro says to his girlfriend in pure Russian - where we actually got to. As it turned out, it was our Cuban friends who studied at the Kaluga technical school. railway transport and whom, it seems, they decided to send back home and they went underground into the forests of Kaluga. Everything ended well, of course, but a Negro hut in the forest of Kaluga is not a Russian policeman in Arkansas.

It happened in the dormitory of the Moscow Architectural Institute. The diligent girl Natasha studied at this institution. Such a stubborn girl - everyone is resting, and she draws !!! And next to the hall, where the stubborn Natasha worked, was the office of the director of the hostel, Mr. Rogov. And this Rogov, well, perfectly matched his last name. Here Natasha draws a skeleton (well, such a task) and she doesn’t like how the sun’s rays illuminate it. Natasha is trying to turn the skeleton to better illuminate it - and ... oh, horror - the skeleton falls and breaks into thousands of small fragments !!! Bolt!!! Terrible stomp - Rogov runs along the corridor, find out what these students blew up this time ?! She opens the door and sees an unfortunate creature over a pile of fragments in a cloud of plaster dust ... Natasha sees an angry Rogov and screams in despair: - I'll give you mine! Even Rogov laughed ... But Natasha never gave up her skeleton, she took it to America ...

We were walking, so my friends and I were celebrating a successful presentation at a scientific conference. Everything is fine. With jackets, ties. We got drunk on cheap port wine - we were drawn to romance. In the end, they went home. Fell asleep on the subway. I woke up - it's half past two in the morning - the metro station is the final one. We've arrived. I'm leaving the subway. Wake-up shakes, but already easier. I want to smoke. "There are cigarettes, but the matches have run out." On bus stop I go up to two seemingly quite decent men. I light up. And suddenly I get a question: - Boy, are you not a fool? Pause. - And then we are here, like two fools, we have been waiting for the bus for half an hour, but they don’t seem to go anymore.

Funny short story:

It happened to a friend of mine: he went to the sauna for the first time, and then he mixed up and went into the women's dressing room instead of the man's. Well, there, of course: - UUH! - Ah! - WOW! - the women were alarmed, they cover their beauty, as best they can ... One just sat naked on the bench facing him, so she threw her legs over her legs, and her arms crossed on her chest - and sits, looks. He apologized and asked her where to go to the men's bath, in which direction. And she, with fright, her hands are busy, kicking him: - To the left of you, in-oh-he is, the door is something ...

I bought myself mobile phone and set different melodies and sounds on it to know who is calling. On a call from home, I installed an amusing composition (which my wife really likes) - music from the film "Emmanuelle", during the loss of which the woman broadcasts in a languid voice: "Pick up the phone - the wife is calling!" I got a new job, they gave me a place in a room where only ladies sat. First work day. I'm a prominent guy, tall and apparently liked the ladies. He took out his new phone (like showing off) and suddenly a call is heard from home. Well, you know, the mood of the ladies immediately deteriorated (like a married man was hooked), but this is not the most interesting thing. And the interesting thing is that on that day, neither light nor dawn, the elder brother of my wife came to us, who urgently needed to find out something from me (I don’t remember what now) and he dialed me from my house. Imagine a dialogue after the words of a languid woman: "Pick up the phone - the wife is calling!" Me: - Hello Volodya, how are you? What's new? Why got up so early? You should have seen the eyes of my roommates. Now my phone is only on vibration.

After work, part of our team lingered to watch a fresh movie hit on the computer. One of the characters there utters a spell that summons the devil. And just at that moment the boss comes in. To which one of the spectators issues: - Look, the spell is real.

The niece pleased: on the eve he promised her to fly a kite. She is 5 years old and has no idea what it is. And now a wonderful day off is issued, we go to my grandmother in the village - there is nature, a forest, a lake, everything is as it should be. We settled down on the shore, and while I was sitting and dealing with this miracle of technology, the "kite", I lost sight of the child. I hear that from behind her childish voice: "Smatli !!!" I turn around and I see a snake in her hands (already). I sit in a daze, not breathing. She: wow!!! The kite flies up a meter and a half and successfully lands on my head !!! I jump up screaming and start dancing. Apparently, the association worked for the child - a kite - so you need to throw it. The whole picture was watched by a brother who rolled on the grass with laughter, holding his stomach so that it would not burst. After this incident, I'm even afraid to tell her about the washing machine - automatic!

I needed to find out the login from the working computers. I call my office. A nice girl picks up the phone. She has been working as an operator for a long time, she even managed to pass a probationary period. Further dialog: - Hello, please press the Ctrl - Alt - Del buttons simultaneously, a panel will appear on the screen and tell me what our login looks like. - Fine. Pause, after a while I hear: - At the same time it does not work. - Don't worry, use both hands. A long pause, then: - I don't have enough hands. - Why? Press Ctrl and Alt at the same time with your left hand, and Del with your right. A very long sniff in the tube, then with despair: - I don't have enough fingers. Now I am silent. Then I carefully ask: - What is missing? - I hold the buttons "k", "o", "n", "t", "p", "l" with my left hand, but "a", "l" and "t" - it does not work - there are not enough fingers .

A real case from the life of my friend's acquaintances. These most familiar people have a jeep, some kind of Mercedes, in which, among other things, they take their little son to kindergarten. Moreover, if winter and God forbid the child gets snotty ... And who would have thought that one day this miracle child will give out to shocked parents: - Well, why do all normal children go to kindergarten on sleds? I'm alone, like a fool on a Mercedes... My parents couldn't find anything to answer.

I walk in the park in the morning. No people, only dog ​​people. And here is an oil painting... A lady of Balzac's age is coming to meet her, dressed almost in clothes corresponding to Balzac's times: a coat to the asphalt, gloves, a hat with a veil - a kind of second-hand bohemian. ... On a leash, a poodle in ruffles. A yard dog runs past a poodle, followed by an escort of males. The poodle breaks the leash and rushes after. Lady strictly: - Artemon! Neglect! The poodle sighs naturally and continues to mince dejectedly next to the mistress ...

A married couple of my friends. Nearby they look quite funny: the frail short Seryozha and the portly Galya with large “volumes”. Once, at a feast, after some drinking, someone decided on the question: - Seryoga, you are so thin, Galya is so big, but you probably have to carry her to bed in your arms at least once a month. How do you have enough strength...? - When my strength leaves me, I roll it!

In my distant youth, in student practice, I had to work in a geological party. Our task, among other things, included the so-called schlich sampling: for example, you walk along a river and have to take a sand sample according to a certain method. With the help of a tray, wash the concentrate and wrap it somewhere. The sand is wet, so people very quickly realized that it is very convenient to take the concentrate in condoms. Naturally, rubber products No. 2 tend to tear. Where to put them? Throwing in nature, then it was not accepted. I put it in my pocket - then I'll throw it out and go on, since there are enough pockets on the geological robe ... Now the scene is at home. In the morning, I eat my mother's delicious breakfast. Everything that was dirty on me and in the backpack was washed and ironed by caring mother's hands. At breakfast, I suddenly notice that my mother is somehow rumpled, as if she wants to ask something. - Mom, what are you doing? Did anything happen? The parent, after some hesitation, nevertheless decides and asks: - I understand that they can tear ... But where does the sand come from?

Somehow came to me old man and immediately dumbfounded - he asked him to teach him how to play the title motive "Smoke On The Water" by the western band "Deep Purple", and categorically did not give a damn about my proposals "to first master the basic principles of playing the guitar", saying that as soon as he could play the above composition , his acquaintance with the guitar will end forever. Well, the owner is a gentleman; I applied my remarkable pedagogical experience, and in a couple of weeks my grandfather was quite dashingly and with a twinkle playing “Smoke on the Water” no worse than the old Ritchie Blackmore (the guitarist of these same Deep Purple, in case someone doesn’t know). At the end of the training, when he handed me the due amount, I asked him: - Tell me, uncle, why do you need all this?!? To which he replied: - Just imagine, I have the only grandson - a degenerate who graduated from school, does not work, does not study, but sits all day long, locked in his room, learning the same melody on the guitar ... Just imagine, when I enter his room, take away his instrument and say: - Granddaughter, what a fool you are... Look, even I can play this nonsense. Go to work!

"I, Smirnov Semyon Semenovich, on the merits of the incident, I can explain the following. At about 18:00 on March 10, 2011, I went to the gym, where I do breathing exercises. I was preparing for the lesson, I was extremely calm, balanced and attentive. I was driving my car along Trifonovskaya Street, at the green traffic light. Unexpectedly for everyone, ignoring the red traffic light, a black Infiniti FX car drove to the intersection and collided with my car. I saw the driver and passenger, visually reminiscent of the Spaniards, and friendly asked them mother tongue: "Does it smell of red light?" In response, the approacher hit me in the face, after which I lost consciousness, and the ambulance doctor brought me to myself. I could not insult or physically influence my opponents. The presence of the attackers in the trunk during the arrival of the traffic police, presumably, I explain by waiting (sitting in the open trunk due to dizziness from the impact during the accident), and involuntarily pressing the closing button on the key. I attribute the fractures of the jaw of the driver Aliyev and the nose of the passenger Akhmedov to the consequences of a car collision. I explain the injuries on the backs of my hands as a result of a car collision, because at the last second, frightened, I covered my face with my hands and hit the steering wheel. I am not proficient in martial arts or weapons. I can’t assess the material damage, because the car is insured under the CASCO program.”

Mammy woke up and tells a dream ... Then she says thoughtfully: “Some kind of nonsense is dreaming, and I’m like a fool, I’m looking ...” She lifted her mood for the whole morning !!!

It just so happened that I knew all the joys of a communal hostel, because for almost five years now I have been living with my mother-in-law. Somehow I get up in the morning and find a note on the kitchen table with the following content: “Igor, I fried cutlets there. So you don’t even think of eating them, this is for Lenochka, and you fry your own eggs. Mom "Well, I think, okay, I won't choke on scrambled eggs, but in the evening I will express everything that I think about you. In the evening, as you yourself can guess, an impartial conversation took place, ending in tears of the mother-in-law. I even felt a little sorry for her. Well, what is she?! I earn money and have no right to eat cutlets made from meat bought with my own money? The next day I find a new note on the table: “Helen, don’t eat these cutlets, I made them for Igor!” But I was afraid, these cutlets are, suddenly poisoned ...

An accountant is not a profession, not an orientation, not a nationality, and not an offensive nickname. This is a severe form of mental pathology that can be successfully used in economic activities. 1. The choice of an accountant must be approached very carefully, since it will be almost impossible to get rid of him later. 2. The accountant is not Mumu and only drowns with Gerasim. 3. A good accountant should smell like coffee, cigarettes and a computer. The main contraindications for using an accountant: 1. You can't shout at an accountant - he can withdraw, withdraw into himself and return from there with the financial police or tax officials. 2. You can't settle scores with an accountant. It is also impossible to bring a computer, stapler, scissors, electrical appliances and piercing objects with him. 3. An accountant cannot be hand-fed during the reporting season - at this time of the year he does not understand where food ends and where hands begin. 4. An accountant cannot delay his salary - he will take it himself and much more. 5. You can’t have human feelings for an accountant - otherwise he will feel like a man and stop being an accountant.

Funny short story

This real story, information about it was on news feeds, radio and television. One officer of the British Migration Service, working at one of the airports, has added to the list of terrorists ... his wife! His wife was on holiday abroad at the time. When she appeared at the airport, she was not allowed to go home to her native England! All this lasted for 3 years! The girl could not board any plane flying not only to England, but also to France, along with half European countries. What is most interesting is that the British woman was not even told the reason for such a ban. Since it is forbidden to disclose information from such computer databases. This scam was opened only when they wanted to promote the cheerful officer and staged a routine check of his past activities. The Migration Service, of course, condemned its employee and kicked him out of work in disgrace. But even his superiors admitted that this customs officer, among his colleagues, has become a legend! It became known that the customs officer was offended by his wife because she went to Pakistan either to help the poor, or something else ... so he included her in the list of suspected terrorist sympathizers. The woman spent 3 years in wild Pakistan!

After a lecture, a student comes up to the associate professor of the department of psychiatry and asks: "Sergei Nikolaevich, my friend Lately very often in a dream he sees a black man. What is this for?" Sergey Nikolayevich was in a hurry and, without thinking much, answered: "To the rain." Some time later, after the lecture, the same student comes up to him and says: "My friend needs to work at the Hydrometeorological Center - if she sees dream of a black man, then always, going out into the street, he takes an umbrella with him. And, most surprisingly, in this case it always rains."

There was a course of lectures on radiology at our institute. Lectures each time attended less and less fewer people. And according to the rules, after the lesson it was necessary to give pieces of paper with the names of everyone who was at the lecture. But students are friendly people, so papers were thrown for absent comrades. And once it happened like this: only one loser came to the lecture from the entire faculty. And he came with a plastic bag filled with these very pieces of paper. And no one else. The lecturer appeared. He asks: "Who are you?" And the student replies: "Who are you?". And it is not surprising, because the loser was at the lecture for the first time ...

One of the teachers says to a student who does not answer very well: "You are wrong, and if you want to deceive me, know that I rarely have bouts of idiocy." Apparently - rarely, but aptly.

The shift leader of the city fire brigade comes to his subordinates: "Well, guys, let's slowly get together - the building of the Tax Department is on fire."

Meeting at work. Suddenly one gets up. - Where are you going, the meeting is not over yet? - And I have two children, I can not leave them alone. Leaves. The meeting continues. The second gets up and is about to leave. - And where are you going, because the meeting is not over yet? - I have a baby at home. It also leaves. The meeting continues. The third gets up and is about to leave. - And where are you going, you don't have children? - If you sit at meetings like that, then I will not have children.

A colleague sent his son to kindergarten. He looked like a couple of weeks, then turned sour. Parents let's torture: - What happened, why don't you want to go? He hesitated and said: - Danilka said that the pisyunchik would tear off if I didn’t let him play my typewriter. I won't give you a car... A meaningful pause. Parents cheered: - What are you, son! He's fake! He's joking! Baby, it's sad: - Olechka won't give a doll either ... How is she now?

I warned my wife - if you dye your hair blonde - you will become her. True, now she is a brunette again, but she has already mutated from paint. So… The wife communicates via Skype with her parents, they live in Holland. The discussion is about the weather. Her father (my father-in-law) complains: "It's so cold that even all the channels are frozen." In response, he heard: "So what are you doing now, without a TV at all?"

How many times am I convinced that in Germany to introduce guests from former USSR in deep shock does not require much work. Recently, I am traveling with a guest from Moscow to the city "X" in Germany. We drive up to the intersection, we need to turn left, I look to the right, the police minibus has closed the road and the firefighters are doing something. Because of the minibus, it is not clear whether the car is driving to our right. The police (a girl and a guy) are standing near the car and looking, I open the window from the side of the guest, I tell the police that they are standing uncomfortable - the road is not visible. He quickly gets into the minibus, rearranges it so that the road can be seen, I wave to him as a token of gratitude, turn left and catch the shocked eyes of the guest.

I went to the clinic for an x-ray, did everything, went out into the street, I'm in a hurry to go about my business. I went about 200 meters away, I looked - disposable shoe covers were lying on the sidewalk. First thought: "Wow, someone forgot to take off and walked like an idiot." Then he stopped, looked down ... He thought and took off his shoe covers ...

Went to the bank. There are two ATMs there. On one hangs a sheet of paper with the inscription "We apologize, the ATM has run out of paper", next to the second person in line 10. I looked at all this and went to the first ATM. He slipped his card, withdrew money and started to leave - and then he noticed how half of the queue from the second ATM rushed to the first ... What were they thinking about before? No paper means there is nothing to print money on?!

A funny thing happened to me. And it all started with a stupid promise. At the end of November we started building the house. There was no snow then, but as soon as we got to work, it piled up on the second day. After the next snowfall, I jokingly promised that if the snow continues in such a rhythm, then after finishing the second floor, I will boldly jump from above into the snow. A joke is a joke, but the men caught me by the tongue. And just recently we finished construction, but the snow had not yet melted and I had to fulfill my promise. I gathered my courage, looked down, determined that there was a lot of snow and the landing would be soft, and, folding my arms at my sides, I jumped like a soldier. Idiot. At least raise your hands. I stuck into the snow with all my almost centner, like a needle in a down. No, I landed softly, but only the top of my head, or rather my hat, was on the surface. Hands are clamped with snow, you can’t move your legs, in order to shout, you have to eat the snow that has stuffed into your mouth. Situation. Plus, I chose a place where there is more snow, and such a place turned out to be reverse side at home and my partners had to dig a trench more than 15 meters before me. When they took me out, almost an hour later, my teeth were knocked out not by shot or even buckshot, but by full-weight bullets. But now I know the following: 1 - you should not jump into the snow from the third floor. 2 - if you jump in the snow, raise your hands. 3 - it's cold in the snow. 4 - I'm a fool.

It was when I was still at school, that way in class 10-11. At a break between a couple of chemistry, everyone leaves the class in all directions, the boys rage together. For some reason, I liked to rage in this way: near the chemistry class there was an electric shield (on the wall) just above my head, a weighty one, I liked to jump up and beat his head so that he knocked against the wall. And during this change, I did everything as usual, as I jumped up “Bam!”, the roar was all over the school, a chemist (an elderly woman) with bulging eyes runs out, for some reason she chooses me from all the boys and angrily like this: - You still have your head on hit him...

At the exhibition "The State Guard of Russia. History and Modernity. 130 Years", which opened in the Exhibition Hall of the Federal Archives, a curious document is presented in one of the windows - "List of distribution of food rations to members of the All-Russian Central Executive Committee and responsible workers", compiled in 1924. In the "List No. 3 of responsible workers receiving rations outside the norm and size (at their own request)", there are only 9 people. Including: “1 - Clara Zetkin (free of charge); 2 - L.D. Trotsky (free of charge) ... 3 - I.V. Stalin (for a fee); 4 - M. I. Kalinin (for a fee) ... "So, it turns out that in the seventh year of Soviet power, in a country devastated by war and revolution, two people already lived under communism.

There was a lady in Dneprodzerzhinsk - the head of the SMU (Construction and Installation Department), I don’t remember the number, I think 102, of the Dneprostalkonstruktsiya trust. She was a good engineer and leader, but she considered it her duty to suppress the feminine in herself. She smoked the roughest cigarettes all day, including in the office, spoke in a rude male voice, using profanity in place and out of place, drank only vodka at "corporate" parties, in general, in some ways behaved like Lyudmila Prokofievna from Office Romance, only much more exotic. True, unlike this heroine, she was a wonderful wife, mother and grandmother. But this is home... And at work once there was a cool scandal before March 8, when employees came to congratulate her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She cursed everyone, kicked out of the office and threw the bouquet into the corridor. And then she sat down and... burst into tears. The employees were depressed, confused, they realized that it was better not to remind her that she was a woman! But the booze on March 8 has not been canceled! And it comforted everyone!

Visited Vologda on official business. And driving through the streets of this ancient Russian city, I saw a striking picture. Imagine: there is a huge puddle on the carriageway through which cars rush without slowing down. Next to the road - a sidewalk on which to walk a pedestrian, and not be splashed - is completely impossible. And now two girls, eighteen years old, are walking along the sidewalk, and one of them is in a white jacket ... That's it - I think now the white jacket will look miserable! But it turned out that I greatly underestimated the resourcefulness of the Vologda girls! In front of the puddle, the girl gave her bag and purse to her friend, and she herself, running away to some kind of fence, returned, holding a half of a red brick in her hand. Now both girls began to slowly walk along the puddle, while the Vologda woman in a white jacket shook the brick menacingly in her hand, while looking at the cars passing by. Her whole appearance expressed complete confidence that she would not hesitate to launch this brick into that machine that would douse her with mud! I myself was in this column, and I really did not want to get a stone in the glass! The cars didn't just slow down, they stopped! And stood until the girls passed dangerous area. Well, how not to remember the classic: “There are women in Russian villages ...!”

In the late 90s, I entered the Department of Indian Philology at Moscow State University and needed a Hindi dictionary. The language is rare, dictionaries are not available, there are only in the libraries of the 60-70s, when "Rusi-Hindi bhai-bhai", Indira Gandhi and all that. But a dictionary is needed for daily activities, because the language is a specialized subject ... Somehow I went to a good friend on the Begovaya metro station. And there at that time there was a Krishna ashram. And now, passing by this institution, it dawned on me: "Dictionary!!!" Rushed to the bookstore. "Girl, do you have a Hindi-Russian dictionary?!?" The girl lazily looked around the shelves: "Yes, you can search ..." But I do not let up: "Tell me, how many thousand words?" And then the answer of the girl, apparently, completely gone into nirvana, struck me on the spot: "I didn't make fun, I didn't count!!!"

I asked my husband to seal the wallet. He glued it. At all. To not spend money!

"Red Book" inspired. I worked as a proofreader in a literary agency. I read: catfish corridors, platillia radish - I have no idea, and only when I came across the phrase "intra-aquarium community", it dawned on me that these are such aquarium fish ...

In the late 70s, an employee of the Institute of Biophysics drew up a task for designing a new building: an aquarium, a terrarium, an insectarium ... When the director urgently demanded a document to submit it to the government, the employee admitted that he added ... a sepulcarium for fun. The director laughed and said that he would ask the secretary to reprint ... A year later, the designers sent a question: where to get standard project sepulcaria? The employee came to a quiet horror: the project went according to the list especially important construction THE USSR!!! I had to impromptu “launch the fool”: - The premises are needed to perform special tasks in a closed topic, there are no such objects either in our country or in the world! - And what equipment will be there, will the floors withstand? ... As a result, a conference hall was built!

In the late 80s, I took the metro to the final station "Planernaya". At the Oktyabrsky Pole, the driver announces to the passengers that the cars must be emptied, the train should go to the depot. Everyone goes out onto the platform, the driver left his cab to look along the train to see if anyone was left on the train. At this moment, a slightly sober man comes up to him and says in a busty bass: “Commander, will you throw a gold piece to Tushinskaya?”

Went for a test drive. I went into the salon and happily said: - Hello, I signed up for a crash test for three hours! Skated without incident.

On control work in informatics. I was given a task and among the tasks was the task: "Given the matrix X(5;5)..." My first thought was: "Damn, I haven't seen this movie!" And it's not like she's a blonde...

Dawn. Early morning. We're going to the bus. In the kitchen, the wife sets the table for breakfast. A crow walks along the window drain and tries to peck at something. The wife, having heard the sound of her beak on the metal, turned around and was touched - "The bird wants to eat" - she put a crust of bread outside the window .... Since then, at any time of the year, every day, seven days a week, at exactly 5-30 Moscow time, a loud knock window. They tried to drive - it comes back, it knocks until it gets its crust. They tried not to pay attention - the force of the knock was growing - the nerves were not made of iron - it was a pity for the window. Repellers don't work. Kill - the hand does not rise. The wife is waiting for the crow to die. I'm afraid to tell her that crows live 300 years .....

We teach our son a poem in English. We have already experienced hysteria from misunderstanding and hopelessness and agreed that he would read the verse aloud 10 times for the night - and we part ways as friends. The child recites an enemy language, I slowly fall asleep ... A verse about animals, and there is a sacramental line there: “The cat is speaking to the rat!” And I wake up from a joyful voice: “Ze cat from sraking to ze rat!” I'm afraid to even imagine what he told the teacher.

While serving in the army, they guarded the airfield. There was a special room at the airfield where pilots could sleep and have a snack after long flights. Naturally, they picked up the keys to the room and during the guard at night they dropped in for a snack, but they didn’t take a lot of a couple of pieces of bread and a little lard. During the guard, the father looked into the room, cut off the fat, sits, eats - suddenly the lieutenant colonel comes in. I realized that the lips could not be avoided, and maybe the tribunal, but the lieutenant colonel said: “Eat, eat, son, there is no sin in eating” and left. A normal man turned out to be sorry for the soldier.

To the Great Patriotic War A Soviet radio station operated on Krestovsky Island in Leningrad. She broadcast to Finland in pure Finnish, on the same frequency as the official Finnish radio. The broadcasts were conducted in commentary mode: the Soviet announcer intervened in the speech of his Finnish colleague and shone with wit. For example, as soon as the Finnish announcer uttered the phrase: - Please, listen to the latest news! The Soviet immediately added in Finnish: - Well, that is, not news, but fresh Goebbels lies! Further, he told fresh jokes about Hitler, added a point of view to the news Soviet side and so on. In short, news releases with Soviet commentary have become very popular in Finland, much like films translated by Goblin in our time. This situation terribly infuriated the German command and the Finnish leadership. The Germans incessantly thrashed from artillery on woodland on an island where they believed the transmitting antenna was located. They could not guess that the steel cable of one of the 15 barrage balloons served as an antenna.

Funny short story

I'm in the fish department. In front of me, a guy asks me to hang a kilogram of capelin. - Take this one, - the saleswoman offers, - it's a little more expensive, but look at the quality! - Thank you, no, I'm for the cat. - But cats don't eat capelin, - the trade worker is amazed. - Well, uh... It's only the first three days.

In this section of our site, we have posted a variety of short funny stories. For lovers of stories and anecdotes, these cool stories are exactly what you need. It doesn't take much time, it's loaded with humor full program, and most importantly - cheer up the only way! Cool funny short stories are a kind of anecdote, only they are usually taken from real life, and sometimes it is in such stories that the famously twisted plot or the degree of comedy gives out such turns that you laugh non-stop for several minutes.

We hope these short funny stories will not only cheer you up, but also encourage you to write your own funny stories, which each person has quite a lot, if the memory is good. In any case, we will be glad to see you on the pages of our site more than once.

Reminds me of a story from my high school days. There was a thin, weak amateur astronomer Andrei in our class. Everyone who missed, had the honor to offend the calm and harmless "nerd". Once, at a physical education lesson (we had joint physical education in the hall, without separation of male / female), the boys pulled themselves up on the crossbar, and it was Andrey's turn. The first hooligan of the class ran up from behind to the pulling up "nerd" and pulled down his pants along with his shorts ... In complete silence, the girls' jaws slowly dropped, the boys got their first complexes ... Nobody offended Andrey anymore.

I, like my older brother, in the past - an avid gamer. Only I have always loved strategies, and he has rpg games. We went rollerblading with him. He rushes ahead and broadcasts something, turning to me. Suddenly I see - going straight into the pit. Very deep. My, then still a child's brain, did not come up with anything better than yelling: "Space!!!". You know, he jumped...

There is in the Chita region mineral spring Cook. Naturally, the water from the spring is bottled and sold. The name of the water is appropriate - "Kuka" ... Late autumn. Two o'clock at night. Little-visited stall. Sleepy salesman (woman aged 45). Single shopper (male). The buyer, knocking on the window, waiting until it is opened, holds out ten rubles and says:
- Kuku!
The seller, not fully awake:
- Ku-ku...
Buyer, insistently:
- KUKU!!!
Salesman:
- Cho, at two o'clock in the morning, did you cuckoo something? ..

The ability to sell goods well is also an art. We went with the men in China just to have dinner. Well, as usual, we decided to take one hundred grams. I go to the bartender
- Three for a hundred! - And I'm throwing money away.
The bartender silently places three glasses and an unopened bottle of vodka on the bar.
- I asked three for a hundred!
The guy's answer first plunged me into a state of mild euphoria, and then I realized that knowledge of Russian psychology increases sales, for people like him, to heaven. He said:
- Stay, bring it back.
Well, how could she stay?

One day, the management of a large Western company decided to hold an attraction of unprecedented tolerance. Decided to arrange a gay festival from representatives of all offices. An order came to the Russian office - to send 3 gays. Management thought hard. They called a meeting and started thinking. Come up with. A resolution has been issued: the leaders of the three divisions, which will show the worst results for the current quarter, will go to the gay pride parade. The company has never seen such production, sales, marketing, advertising, supply!..

At work, an employee says that her lover gave her a new gold chain, but she does not know how to explain her appearance to her husband. Everyone begins to give advice: like, say that a friend gave a vilification, she bought it herself, they gave a bonus at work, etc. One man advises: - Better tell me what you found. My wife, for example, recently found a gold bracelet. The man somehow did not immediately understand why everyone was suddenly giggling ...

Dacha, grandmother and granddaughter drink tea. There is jam on the table, to which ants crawl from different sides. The girl, without thinking twice, crushed one. Grandmother puts pressure on the pity of the child:
- Lizonka, what are you, how is it possible ?! Ants are also alive, they hurt! They have kids! Just imagine: they are sitting at home and waiting for their mother. But mom won't come.
Lisa (squeezing another insect with her finger):
- And dad won't come either...

A friend got to write SMS until one in the morning every day. I wrote a program on smart, which automatically answers all SMS: "Yes, my love", "of course", "very", etc. - in random order. In the morning I saw 264 incoming SMS. The last one at 5:45 with the text: "But when will you, bitch, fall asleep ?!"

In the 9th grade (children aged 14-15), a scheduled medical examination was held at the school, including a gynecologist. For many girls, this was the first time: everyone's knees were trembling. To save time, a lady gynecologist of Balzac's age asks more questions than examines. The question is the same for all 60 girls from four classes:
- Are you sexually active?
- How many years? - with a positive answer
The lady was tired.
Actually the story: my girlfriend (P), having gathered her will into a fist, approaches her aunt (T).
(T) - do you live?
(P) - zhiiiivvuuuu (shaking with fear, forgetting the essence of the matter)
(T) surprised - How old?
(P) almost crying - cheeeeeeeeeteen ...

I have a friend. Works for a computer company, in a warehouse. And through the wall he has neighbors - a veterinary pharmacy. The doors are close, and therefore visitors are often confused. Yesterday he wrote to me in ICQ: “Today a man came, stood the whole line! I waited until the clients took the printer, floppy disks, some other garbage ... The dude eventually comes up and asks the question: "My horse is coughing ... What should I do?"

This post is not for those who are afraid of heights, although, sitting in front of the monitor, you are relatively safe. But if you are a seeker of new sensations and are not afraid to climb higher, then you are welcome - in this issue we have collected a couple of dozen dizzying places in the world where you can enjoy the absence of solid ground under your feet and an exciting feeling in your stomach.

(Total 56 photos)

Sponsor of the post: Equipment from China: Delivery to Russia, customs clearance of equipment under the contract, approximately $ 5.25 per kg, approximately 10 days.
Source: distractify.com

1. Mont Blanc, French Alps

2. At an altitude of 3800 meters at the top of the Aiguille du Midi, there is a glass cage called "Step into the Void".

4. Most high building in the world - Burj Khalifa, Dubai.

5. The height of this skyscraper is 822 m. This is almost twice as much as the Empire State Building. If you have the courage, you can look at Dubai from the most dizzying observation deck in the world.

6. The Grand Canyon and its " sky bridge»

7. The Grand Canyon Sky Bridge is owned by the Walapai Indians. Under the observation deck there is 213 m of free space.

8. Glass cubes at the skyscraper Willis (Sears) Tower, Chicago

9. The Ledge is a glass balcony suspended in the air at a height of 396 meters.

11. Although the glass panels can support a weight of 4500 kg, looking down at the rooftops of neighboring skyscrapers is not easy.

12. CN Tower, Toronto

13. CN Tower - a skyscraper 584 meters high with an observation deck.

15. Whether you are on the observation deck or outside, the skyscraper will give you stunning views of the city.

16. Suspension bridge Langkawi, Malaysia

17. This sky bridge in Malaysia is 124 meters long and is located at an altitude of 701 meters above sea level. He crosses picturesque peak Mount Gunun Mat Chinchang on the island of Langkawi.

18. Blackpool Tower, England

19. Blackpool Tower opened to the public in 1894 and is a smaller copy of eiffel tower in Paris.

20. Its height is 157 meters, and at the very top there is an observation deck. From its height, you can see the piers and attractions of the Victorian city.

21. Way of Faith, China

22. The Way of Faith is a glass passage built on the 1432 m high Zhangjiajie Tianmen Mountain.

23. You arrive at cable car and, if you do not suffer from dizziness at altitude, you can “calmly” walk along the transition and get an unforgettable experience.

24. Sky Tower, Auckland, New Zealand

25. The tower is over 300 meters high and dominates the Auckland skyline.

26. If you have the courage to leave the observation deck, you can do it up by walking along the very top of the skyscraper. And if you are a real extreme, you can jump from the tower to the bungee.

27. Alpspix Observation Deck in Germany

28. At an altitude of about 99 m on Alpspiks mountain, there is such a short bridge offering amazing views to the valley. Under the bridge is an abyss.

29. Spinnaker Tower in Portsmouth, England

30. Spinnaker Tower - the most high tower in the UK outside of London. Its height is 170 meters. The Crow's Nest is the highest of the three observation decks. Its roof is made of mesh, so you are practically in the fresh air.

31. Troll tongue, Norway

32. Troll tongue sticks out over Lake Ringedalsvatn at an altitude of 700 meters. This is a rather difficult climb, but this natural lookout offers stunning views.

33. Bridge between the Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

34. These towers are almost 457 m high. The bridge between them is only 1/3 of the height, but 167 m is enough to make the faint of heart feel bad from such a height.

35. Dachstein stairs, Austria

36. On the Dachstein glacier in the Alps is one of the most high bridges in the world. Below it is only an abyss of 396 m.

37. Oriental pearl Shanghai, China

38. This 475-meter-high TV tower has been the largest building in China for more than 10 years.

39. She still dominates the Shanghai skyline.

40. Lion's head over Cape Town, South Africa

41. Mount Lion's Head rises above Cape Town and completely overshadows the structures built by man. Its height is 670 m. most of spread out below the city.

Anything can happen in life and often the situation turns out in a way that I would never have imagined. And it happens that ignorance of simple truths costs you a career. I bring to your attention a set of six rather funny stories, which nevertheless have a very serious moral. Read them carefully, compare them with the facts of your life and I am sure that you will be able to draw some parallels.

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Lesson 1: Naked Wife

The man went to shower as soon as his wife got out. Suddenly, a bell rang from the front door, and a steamed woman, wrapped in a towel, went to see who was brought there. Neighbor Bob was on the threshold. Before the lady could even say a word, Bobby exclaimed, "If you drop that towel, I'll give you 800 bucks." After a little thought, the woman decided to show her beautiful body to her neighbor and did what he asked, appearing completely naked in front of him. After admiring for a few seconds, the neighbor gave 800 dollars and retreated.

Throwing on the towel again, a little embarrassed, but pleased, the lady returned home. “Who was it?” the husband asked. "Our neighbor Bob," replied the unsuspecting "stripper." "Great! Did he accidentally remember about the $800 he owes me?” the man asked.

Moral of the story: don't hide important information from people who are “in the same boat” with you, and then you can avoid undesirable consequences. And secondly, there are no miracles and "honest" too good suggestions Same.

Lesson 2: The Boss and the Genie

The secretary, the manager, and their boss were all walking together for lunch. Unexpectedly, an old oil lamp was found on the way. After rubbing it in an attempt to examine the drawing, they accidentally called the genie, who invited everyone to fulfill one wish. The secretary volunteered first. “I want to be in the Bahamas, ride there on a speedboat and not think about any worries!”. No sooner said than done, the secretary took off forever to rest on the islands. “I wish to be in Hawaii, relax in the company of a personal masseuse and have an endless supply of cocktails!” The manager exclaimed and also went on vacation. "Well, now it's your turn," the genie turned to the boss. After thinking for a moment, he replied: “Let those two idlers be back in the office after lunchtime is over.”

Moral of the story: Always let the boss speak first.

Lesson 3: The Priest and Psalm 129

Heading home, the priest saw a nun on the side of the road, stopped and offered her a ride. She agreed. Sitting in the car, the woman crossed her legs so that the dress rose, revealing pretty slender legs. During the trip, the priest could not take his eyes off her feet, as a result of which he almost got into an accident. Having somehow managed to control, he casually put his hand on the nun's leg. She looked at the priest and said: "Father - do you remember Psalm 129?". The priest, embarrassed, withdrew his hand.

After some time, the lustful clergyman again attached himself to the nun's leg. “So you remember Psalm 129?” she asked again. “I beg your pardon, sister, but the flesh is so weak,” the priest tried to justify himself, removed his hand, and was no longer naughty until the end of the trip. Soon they arrived at their destination, the nun got out of the car, and looking coquettishly at the priest, went about her business. When he reached the church, the clergyman decided to refresh his memory and take a look at this psalm 129. It said: "Go ahead and seek, only in this way will you find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed about your work, you may be missing out on great opportunities.

Lesson 4: Lazy Bunny

One crow sat on a tree and did nothing all day. A hare ran past, saw a serene crow, he liked the picture, and he asked: “Can I sit like this all day, relax and mess around?” “Of course, why not?” replied the bird. Then the hare blissfully fell apart under a tree, closed his eyes and forgot about all the troubles. Suddenly, a fox jumped out from behind the bushes, saw a relaxed hare and ate it.

Moral of the story: In order to sit and do nothing, you have to be very, very high.

Lesson 5: Crazy Turkey

A turkey is talking to a buffalo: “I want to climb this tree, but I don’t have enough strength.” "Don't worry," says the buffalo. “Here, peck at my manure, there are a lot of useful substances, you will gain strength and energy.” The turkey followed the advice, pecked at the poop and managed to climb onto the lower branches of the tree. The next day, repeating the process, energy drinks, the bird jumped already in the middle of the tree. In the end, after four days, the turkey, fairly sagging from manure, managed to climb to the very top. Seeing a crazy bird on top of a tree, the farmer knocked it out with a well-aimed shot from a gun.

Moral of the story: All kinds of rubbish and trashy actions can push you to the very top, but they will not keep you there.

Lesson 6: Bird in the dung

The little bird flew to warmer climes, but winter overtook her. The poor creature froze and fell down in the middle of the field. A cow passing by accidentally piled a whole pile of manure on top of the bird. Being under this heap, the bird unexpectedly found that it warmed up, it became warm and good. She even burst into tears from pleasure. A passing cat heard the chirping and decided to find out where it came from. Finding a “chirping” cow cake, the cat tore it open, pulled out the bird and ate it.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who puts a heap on you is an enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of the dung is a friend.

3. If you're buried up to your ears in poop, sit there and keep your mouth shut.